The Voice Within

Listen...
Listen, I am alone at the crossroads,
I'm not at home in my own home,
And I tried & tried
To say what's on my mind
You should have known

Oh...
Now I'm done believing you,
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what,
You made of me,
I followed the voice you think you gave to me

But now I gotta find... My own...
My own...

- Excerpt from Beyonce's Listen -

Remember this song that I always used to sing? How ironic these words resonates in me more than anything. Then, your voice has been my guide and eyes. I was blinded indeed. I followed every single words you told me. Until I don't listen to myself anymore. Now, I have found my own voice.

You should have listened.

You fcuked me the day I needed you the most. For this, I will not forgive you for the rest of my life. - Eddee Aw

Weekend Sexcapades

YOU MAKE ME FEEL BRAND NEW.

A Blind Faith

This could jolly well be the perfect opportunity for me to contribute the going-ons in my life, albeit in a nutshell. Well, the first half of 2011 has been one frenzy ride. It's been nothing but impetus at best, disallowing me the chance to engross myself on the moving and still landscape around me. Life moves forward at an unprecedented velocity.

I have just got out of a fairytale-land type of relationship. Something that I thought to be one almost perfect coupling, in the end became exactly what it is, a beautiful dream being demented and broken by the glaring gleam of morning sunrise.

I am compelled to contribute the woebegones of my failed relatonship. But somehow, there is only so much words can express - nothing brings back the past like what it used to be. I want to use my blog as a platform to communicate the pent up emotions pertinent to my partner, and having the unimpeded prerogative to be vocal towards whatever that has transpired or what my partner has done to our relationship.

The relationship may have lasted all of THREE months, but we have utilised these pivotal months to fully comprehend the characteristics and imperfections of one another. I moved in with the partner - whom I shall label, Aw, expeditiously days into our relationship. It was something like being caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. I took the plunge and practised blind faith because there was no doubt in my heart and mind, that Aw could just be that someone I could grow old and die with. It was like my life was coming full circle.

The number of days we were together wasn't really a valuable digit to begin with. It was more on the quality of the relationship that rendered me so much invaluable life & love lessons. You should really try to live with your partner and never leaving his/her side even for a day to understand me. There are always new things to discover about each other. There were the struggles that we faced, happiness we'd shared, storms that we went through - in retrospect, the beautiful and ugly faces of being involved in a relationship.

Aw is really a wonderful soul. I grew quickly in the span of three months than i prolly ever will in a year. I was taught the very real situation of being independent, learning to be self-sufficient, understanding another human being at a close proximity, experiencing the 'married' life, how to be selfless and to think for two, and that whatever course of action I may take, I have to remember I have a partner to think of, provide, and live for. I am truly glad for this encounter. But God thinks it's enough experience for me to assimilate into my life, hence Him pulling me out of this altogether.

The only discontent and question that will prolonged its residency in my mind will be how people can change at a drop of a hat. Aw had professed so much love for me, the vows of being together forever and the promise of a fruitful relationship. What do you make of these play on words which does not mean anything when couples break up? Where were the golden whispers and emotions deluge for the one they used to love? Does that mean it was just words of the moment, that has no valid content now that we've seperated?

Aw may have left me, but that does not mean I have to cease loving him too. Because I stand my ground and I am king of my words. My promise still stands pre or post relationship. I am only baffled at how people can change and still have the temerity to begin to hate someone he used to worship, when they were very much in love back then.

Honestly, there is only so much pleading I can do. I've tried to knock Aw back into reality and understand the magnitude of his decision. He claimed this is to seek happiness in the breakup. Our arguements intensified one month into the relaionship. I keep getting the brunt of his ire. I swallowed my pride and present him the liberty to launch tirades on me. I honestly don't know why he flips every time. I was told by my close friends that sometimes, when someone nags at you, that's because he wants you to change and to grow & learn from your mistakes. But I have this nagging suspicion that this could not be the case. Aw was just getting sick of me. Hence whatever things I do became an issue, and that to him warrants a steely reprimand.

I knew Aw had the reputation of being a perfectionist. I lament on his stubborness, defiance and a heavy dosage of ego - one that is never humble to say sorry, even when wrong. In a way of resolving things quickly before it escalates into a giant fireball, it was I who swallowed my pride and apologised even when I did not start the whole spectacle. It is pitiful when your partner cannot co-exist with your imperfections. There is no such thing as a perfect human being, 'cos beings like that exists only in heaven. I have really tried my utmost to adapt to his lifestyle, needs and wants. I had to neglect friends, family and my own life that I used to lead, just to be attuned to his ways. If i am able to sacrifice myself, I don't see why Aw could not accept me the way I am. Sure I have my idiosyncrasies. Habits that never dies and rituals that i probably could not change. Truly unfortunate Aw cannot be in harmony of my own brand of living.

Aw could be wasting his lifetime searching for that perfect being, which probably will never exist, one that even Prophets, are NOT.

It is a no-brainer. When someone loves you, imperfections are perfect in his eyes and he is willing to live side by side with them. Plus, he will never want to let you go, even after arguing with you consistently. We broke up cos Aw thinks it is stressful to be arguing everytime and that it is detrimental to his life. I can only add that it is ludicrous to even be thinking such. Married couples quarrel most of the time. Does that mean most marriages will breakup regularly just because couples cannot take the arguements with a pinch of salt? Wouldn't there be an influx of divorce rates if people were to behave that way?

Are arguements not a positive entity in any relationships? That's when lovers understand each other better, respective likes and dislikes, habits and behaviours, and a slew of defining moments. Someone chipped in with this morsel of advice - 'If there is no arguements in a relationship, then there is really something wrong with it. How are couples going to know what the other is feeling when everything is all impeccable?'. How truth bites.

I am only mourning on the sweetest moments shared between Aw and myself - one that we will prolly never get to experience again. Things have changed. He wants to move on and obliterate me from the shelves of his memory. I don't have the will to move him anymore. Or jolt him from his incongrous decision, which causes more damage than good. I have begged to be asked to taken back. I've talked insurmountable senses into him. Somehow, I stopped and calmly impart some advice to myself. Would you want a love based on conditional terms? Even if he does accept me back, it will be because of the one chance that if I ever screw up again, he has the rights to take it back. Do I want to be perpetually living in trepidation of walking on eggshells? Maybe a minefield best describes it. One wrong move and a wipeout beckons.

I am no longer miserable or bemoaning the tragedy of this fatal relationship. I will not claim responsibility for the breakup. It is not me. I have been faithful, loyal, kind, endearing, caring and deserving throughout the course of our union. It is him who has to stand trial. He needs to be counselled that he cannot keep breaking up with people just because they cannot be perfect in his eyes. If people do and try to change completely as told, then they would be hypocrites themselves, 'cos then they will be something and somebody they are not, just to fulfill the unreasonable expectations of their partners. I would hate to change just because someone wants me to.

I don't bear grudges against Aw, neither will I resent him. Afterall, he is claiming that he is susceptible to stress. Stress that will affect his life greatly if taken immensely of it. Stress which can render him irrational and exercise certain degree of repulsion to his partner, whom he thought to be the cause of it. Stress that he attributes to his age. Anger does not come with age my dear, it comes with the lack of control and perennial discontent with what life doesn't provide you with. You just need to be counting your blessings and be grateful to what's presented before you.

Somehow, I will be an ardent believer of this quote: -

''When God takes away something good, that's because He wants you to receive something better.''

Take care of yourself, Dear Aw. If fate has scribed that we are meant to be together, we will end up together at the end of the day.

You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me

A Cerebral Conundrum

Hustle to the back of the line. I am never gone.

I am invigorated. Essences of life has streamlined back into my veins. It is almost being resurrected and being brought back to life. Well truth is, i took a premeditated hiatus. Renouncing my existance thus taking a self-impose exile trip just to meander away whilst fathoming my true intent and purpose in life. I couldn't discover it in time. Now i am back on my own turf. Take a step back. Because i have returned. Let's get the blog rolling...

It hasn't exactly been a rosy road into 2011. A series of unfortunate events besieged me. One of which being the loss of my Iphone. It was stolen rather. Imagine how incredulous i had felt then. It is my first foray into negligence and i have never lost anything of colossal value. I was perturbed by the fact that it contained the multitude number of personal contacts, photos and videos, and perhaps my text messages between friends, at the risk of being explicitly shared with the perpetrator. Yes, i admit i have photos that smells of libertine proportions. Nude pics of Eddie Yusoff circulating in cyberrealm anyone?

I am praying and hoping the son-of-a-bitch gets apprehended soon enough. I am not anticipating the recovery of my Iphone, but should he gets the full brunt of the law, i would certainly want to press charges for theft. And to compensate me for the grief i have suffered. Just you wait.

I am beset with ideas and slew of ramblings that i have kept pent up since the last entry. I am determined to be vocal and if my journal emit semblances of tirade and indiscriminate remarks, who says i am going to be sorry for bearing the rights to my opinion and thoughts?

I covet for a hatelist. I want to persecute objects and people who infringe my beliefs and
ideas of how things should be viewed. I have ingested enough displeasurable fragments of idiosyncrasies of people, to compel me to rant like a preposterous bastard. While we are at it, let's do a Top 30 list of Resentment Theory, the reinstatement of gritty bitch fits.

1. What is so OH-MY-FCUKING-GOD about Jill Marie-Thomas who won channel 5's OMG? She's truly OMG meh? The only OMG that flashes across my unsuspecting brain is how severely untalented she is. Period. I am still traumatised by her singing at the Floating Platform during the New Year's celebration.

2. I can just die when clubs play anthems by Bieber, Rihanna, Gaga, Akon, Kingston, Kesha, Perry & the works. You should see how terribly excited the minahreps and matreps were. So excited like they've just got a C6 for Mother Tongue at the N Levels. Or in sheer ecstasy like they thought the last episode of Totally Spies on okto was superb and rivetting.

3. Closeted local male tv personalities refuting claims of them being gay is so fcuked up. You're spotted you bitch. I can see through your maybelline foundation. You denying facts is like believing Singapore will flourish in the Olympics. Or winning Miss World/Universe pageants.

4. It's super-annoying when a family boards the mrt with several children in tow, then expect other commuters to be gracious to accomodate a seat to each one of them? Wah lau! My problem issit that you don't practice birth control? We pay to stand uh?

5. I cannot tahan people who eat Keropoks or cut their fingernails or couple locking lips in the bus. Plus, can you imagine, a chinese lady was eating peanuts from a packet and suka-suka threw its shells on the floor of the bus the other day! Ah soh uh, you think this is a funeral wake in Ghim Moh?

6. To the friendly bakery aunty, no pork no lard does not mean it's halal can? I am not going to buy your ham with floss bun.

7. Can local radio seriously stop playing Mariah Carey songs even just for a day? I hear it everytime when i was in the office so much that my reason of resignation reads: Mariahtillitis syndrome.

8. I don't like Justin Bieber. He is a confused white girl. And Miley Cyrus is irritating. She is a confused white girl. They both CANNOT sing.

9. Facebook games/applications are super annoying. Please don't ask me to play along in your silly Cityville or Farmville games. I have no time to send you a cow, corn or chicken. Don't send me your requests for hugs and kisses too bitch!!!

10. What is it with people who adds you in Facebook, then weeks later blatantly remove you from their friends' list? What is wrong with you, bitch? Relax la, i ignored you 'cos i don't see myself going out with you. You want me to vomit while having dinner with you?

11. Students in school uniforms engaging in embraces at the void deck is a major turn-off. Can you imagine? The boy will go ''Oh baby, i love the smell of your bata shoes. Your Disney-print bra is so sexy. I think your knee-length skirt is giving me an orgasm.'' Girl: ''Oh baby, i love your scrawny iron-board body. Can we trade our Pokemon cards already? Also, i love your Ben 10 schoolbag, b.''

12. Channel 5 showing Harry Potter movie series 976 times per year.

13. Why is it some women still brush their handbags back and forth for like 600 times just to get their ezlink cards detected at the scanner when alighting from the bus? Next time i see you do that, i will just kick you from the back. I don't have the whole of Tuesday morning to watch your circus act, you clown.

14. I don't like the Seziri Sezali and Sylvia Ratonel combo. What is this? A KFC buddy package meal? Why is it for every shows they will always be featured alongside each other? Got discount meh?

15. Boys who dresses/wants to be like girls on the pretext of being members of an androgynous vogue dance outfit will only read DAYLIGHT TRANNIES. What different are you from the streetwalkers when dusk sets in?

16. I still get this, after trying to reached for someone over their mobile - ''Them: hey you called?''. WTF. No i didn't call. I was possessed by the ghost of Emily Rose and calling you was undeliberate. Oh my what has gotten into me. Yeah right. You idiot.

17. At a local bubble tea shop, i was psychologically scarred when a China lady replies me - ''You want green apper green tee with perr?'' When i had to repeat what i wanted, she switches to mandarin with much dismay. Eh? Now i have to learn to speak mandarin? I just want to use the bubble tea straw, dip into my bubble tea, inhale the starchy ball pearls and spit the balls at her Sichuan face. Irritates!

18. I don't understand why women Indian expats would go jogging in glittery punjabi suits at the running tracks. What is this? An MTV for 'Khabi Khushi, Letchumi Here i Come?' Your gold designer sari is beautifully fluttering in my face goddammit.

19. Why am i still getting flyers and brochures despite having the latch in my letter box set to lock? Singpost, i am going to man-punch your postman! You think i am a slut that you can anyhow insert into my hole?

20. A certain former political figure across the causeway with his incessant Singapore bashing is so 2005. You and your 15 minutes of fame. Get over it la, agong. Nine more years to Wawasan 2020 and you still have kampungs. Aiyoh.

21. I cannot stand anything made from China. Even if they are the first to create human clones.

22. I should make a mention about this to certain aspiring singer-wannabe friends. BEING AN ELIMINATED CONTESTANT IN A REALITY TV SINGING SHOW DOES NOT MAKE YOU A CELEBRITY. GET THIS IN YOUR HEAD YOU MORONIC DEMON.

23. I DON'T WANT a DVD player, GPS system, New Moon abalone, car vacuum equipment, hair dryer, portable dildo, botox filler set, sewing machine, queen-size bed, kitchen knives, samurai swords or fire-starter kits when i am buying petrol la AUNTIE!!! Stop asking me can? Just give me my green tea and my receipts or i set your Maggie Cheung perms on fire.

24. I hate pressing the lift buttons for ungrateful motherfcukers. Do i look like your friendly lift attendant from St. Regis? Where is your humanity?

25. China women hairstylists at the saloon CANNOT UNDERSTAND 'DON'T CUT MY SIDEBURNS'. Please bring along a recorder with mandarin translation, a braille book on hair styles, a bible, talisman, potions, rose water, garlics, voodoo dolls and every other exorcism materials. Like what possessed you to cut my sideburns so short like i got my haircut for free at Changi Prison?

26. The world will not end in 2012. Shut the fcuk up.

27. Getting stopped at road blocks and being subjected to vehicle and identification checks is NO fun. What have i got in my Suzuki Swift, Sir? 28 Myanmarese illegal immigrants or 52 Bangladeshi men stuffed in my bonnet that i've just brought home after a night out at Deskar? Or maybe you are checking me out 'cos i look like a pai kia from Toa Payoh? Eh, gangsters wear NUM t-shirt and shorts meh? Have i just came back from a gay rioting where a slutty gay boy died from razor-sharp fingernails and stab wounds by an Anna Sui eye-pencil?

28. Why do mother nature wreak havoc and natural disasters at the SIA walk-in interview at Suntec City recently? Seriously, a dude was spotted wearing green loose polo tees, while another was spotted wearing a vest and a fedora hat. THIS IS NOT A SINGAPORE IDOL AUDITIONS la, monyet. In case you cannot remember, we have already crowned a winner - Sylvia Ratonel. Wait, it's Sezairi. Aiyah same la. READ NO. 14. Now step out and walk towards the 2nd floor where the gadgets conventions are, you bloody geek.

29. Suicidal/Depressed/Lovelorn/Love-Dejected friends in Facebook who posts sorrowful and heartbreaking posts are super annoying. You are infiltrating my home wall with your stolen and borrowed 1986 song lyrics chorus line by Debbie Gibson or something. Need i remind you why your bf/gf/grandma/mistress left you, you psychotic moron?

30. Fat people CANNOT wear v-neck tees. What am i? A contestant in a TV game show playing spot where your neck is? Let the lumps of blobs breathe under the cotton buddy. You look like an Asian-made condom made for caucasian d**ks.