Same Script, Different Cast

I have been deliberating for almost a month now. Should i or should i not sign up for Singapore Idol? The audition is drawing near and i am terribly confused. I need to go persuade some wannabe-star friends to join in the fray. The audition is such a drag. I remembered the first-time i had to camp overnight with an ex-Miss Singapore 2003 finalist friend, Jeyawati, along with her friends. Yeah, you have to pretty much secure your spot because the crowds were extremely heee-uge. They say the earlier you arrived the better the chances to impress the executive producers during the audition(nope, the second round of audition IS the one with the FOUR judges).

It was a traumatising experience. The whole night i was deluged with deafening last-minute practices from deluded singers, dis-illusioned talents, the production crew interviewing wannabes round-the-clock, the tormenting evening heat, the sticky perspiration, the funky odour from next-door neighbours, the big squeeze, the draws of passerby who thinks we were nutcases...yeah, and you thought Singapore Idol is an easy ticket to fame. NOT. Lucky i had gotten a ticket. If not the wait would have been futile and utter waste of time. And oh, the only one TV personality that i have witnessed who rosed from being a nobody to where he is today is Haizad Imran. He was a few heads from me during the audition day and yeah, he was and still is a humble bloke. 'Coz he was dressed in just Tees and jeans alright. And for the fact he camped overnight by himself with no friends for company. Apart from the friendship made with the other wannabes.

PLEASE ENSURE YOU ARE ARMED WITH TALENT, CONFIDENCE AND HAVE AN AIR OF BURSTING PERSONALITY. IF NOT, DON'T WASTE YOUR FCUKING TIME.

The MDIS career fair yesterday was such a flub. Zahir and i excused ourselves some time out of our 'a busy unemployed schedule' to visit the fair. We were just enthusiastic on what they have to offer. Both of us had anticipated any airline powerhouses eg. Etihad, Qatar Airways or SIA to erect a booth and lure undergrads to apply. We were sorely mistaken. There were a couple of insurance companies and some job-seeking recruitment agencies. What the FCUK. Lucky for the goodies bag(a dope pen, a yearbook of sorts, a multi-hued highlighter, silly animal stickers(which i gave to Zahir) and a cool MDIS brolly). Thank God we gained something. T'was the saving grace.

Somehow, I lost it. My fuse blew. I had lambasted a Ms Jen Lee, my student co-ordinator moments after the fair. I had merely asked for my Graduation's Project Guidelines form and she had to spew words like ''you student don't think that you can simply come here individually and ask for forms''. That was it. I flipped. Big mistake. I berated her in view of other students and the two appalled frontline officers looked up. I retort ''I could have gotten a nicer treatment from you. I cannot print the documents because something is wrong with the files or my pc. That is why i made my way here just to get the form from you personally. You don't have to go i am troubling you. I deserve better''.

I mean, i simply ask for a form which i am unable to print. If i don't have the forms, it's impossible to gear-start on my project, right? Petty, wouldn't you say? I should be the one to get mad at them for sending me unrecognized files and wasting my time hopping to school to retrieve it. It's kinda wicked for me to be reacting to a great lady(students can attest how wonderful she is as a co-ordinator). But don't paint everyone with the same brush. It's so wrong. Perhaps she may have had a tough afternoon. Maybe some students have been problematic. Or prolly 'cos she simply tries to be a Queen B****. You want to be a mama diva, i will give you soap opera.

Why you be trippin' girl? I ain't no hater. You made me. That's why i be reactin'. (Thanks Zahir for the company. You are such a circus-act. The 'abang-build' bitching was wickedly funny). ;p

It is exactly TWO months into my relationship with H. H sms-ed me dead in the morning and said ''Happy 2nd Monthsary to my beloved boifie! Muackz''. It's amazing. Who knew it'd lasted this long? The journey has been worth the joys, laughters, tears and pain. I want the heart to sustain this more than the mind can imagine. Can we? I believe we can. Because it'll take destiny to seal our fate. Not the detrimental elements attributed from individual's discontent towards certain incidences. In simple words, no amount of altercations, conflicting thoughts and displeasures that we are sometimes embroiled in can surmount the love that we have fortified thus far. These walls that we have built around us can withstand the test. Trust me, love.

And please, i haven't lost my mojo...haa...I LOVE YOU. More than every other day.

A quick shout-out to my buddy, the fervent Man U supporter. CRUSHED. Haha...

Animal House

I am setting the record straight. I will never ever step foot in clubs. Disagreements and conflicting verbal exchange between friends and i transpires whenever the topic is being broached. I strongly abhor clubbing. This is by no means me being a draconian pragmatic. No disrespect to club patrons as well. It just annoys me whenever friends raises the subject.

Put this into perspective. What comes to your mind when you notices somebody staggering, heavily intoxicated and mumbling like an incoherent idiot? I can only deduce that the person is uncultured. Seriously. You may be a stellar academic, a high-flying professional or regarded to be the best looking hottie to walk on the dancefloor. But when you walk out the doors of the club bumbling and clumsily drunk, you have just made a complete ASS of yourself. How classy can you get, you alcoholic bitch? You will only look pathetic in my eyes. Leave the clubbing to NS recruits having a jolly on their bookout day, experimenting adolescents and for bitches & bastards who thinks snapping shots of raising bottles and glasses, taking group shots around the table with liquor displays and parading the photographs in FACEBOOK kinda make them look uber cool. FCUK this, motherfcukas.

If you are ugly, have TWO left feet, have a bad fashion sense, lack of personality, have no other life apart from youtube & social networking sites, have raging hormones and egoistically think you are one motherfcuking hot stuff, i suggest you find your joys elsewhere. And so i urge people to steer clear of clubbing topics from me. Because i will scratch your face with my car-key.

What is having a good time in my book? Let me dispense nuggets on what i like. -

A) A day out at the beach, suntanning, swimming and soaking in the breeze and wafts of saltwater aroma tops the list.

B) Late night supper at hip coffeeshops (Jalan Kayu/Simpang Bedok/Changi Village...) in the company of good friends.

C) Cycling, running, swimming and sports with active and health-nut pals.

D) Driving around unfamiliar roads in Singapore.

E) Be in a classroom exchanging ideas and thoughts with groupmates (Stimulating...Honest!).

F) Watching Disney cartoons, horror & slasher flicks in the privacy of your own room.

G) Intense making-out session with the partner. Ha...

H) Dancing and working out to great r&b tunes.

I) Cam-whoring at various places of interests.

J) Hanging out at Marina Barrage, Henderson's Wave, Vivocity, Starbucks...

K) Karaoke outings to sing the lungs and guts out.

L) Reading The Straits Times/Writing essays.

M) Walking around the neighbourhood plazas and relishing the 'heartland' feeling.

N) Seeing Army dudes congregating at Pasir Ris Interchange, reporting back to Tekong for trainings towards the end of the weekend. NS plays an integral part in my life okay, hence the gush of sweet reminiscents.

O) Strolling Orchard Road come Christmas season, window-shopping in Geylang's bazaar during the Ramadan's month, enjoying the sights and lights of Little India during Deepavali...

These are some of the main activities that i find gratifications in. It's pretty sedated and banal i know. I really am your next door boy. I would like to thank good buddies who stood by my stand and not pestering me to head out to clubs and pubs. You know who you are. Thank you for respecting me just like i would respect you. We may do some mundane activities and though it may not be your cup of tea at times, your tolerance to my whims and fancies speaks a lot about you guys. THANK YOU for standing by me and still enjoying my company thus far.

To wrap today's post, i just want to truly apologize to my partner for breaking the heart sometimes. My good buddy, Shawal, has slammed me back into the faces of earth and asks me to reflect what i have done towards the partner. He said something which i can't quite remember. All i know the magnitude of his words dropped like a bombshell. He asked me to cherish the partner and not to be too egocentric. He also advised me not be too complacent and mistreat the partner. I know i have been selfish most of the time. It has always been Eddie's world. I have failed to looked beyond.

H, i have no doubt in my mind your existence is purely destined. You are genuinely sincere and you have pulled me back from the edges countless times. I am touched that you honestly love me. I know you care for me whole-heartedly too. I love being with you. I find exquisite moments with you. You've made me experienced feelings i've never felt before. I get hearbreaks whenever we are having conflicting moments. But our patience, tolerance and understanding of each other resolves all of that. I hope you don't give up on me. Because i cannot bear the pain. I need your words, wisdom and strength to walk again.

I'll do everything within and beyond my means to treasure you. I LOVE YOU.

Unwrapping The Goods

I have heard wicked stories about my biological father. He was never a good man. He was abusive. Both verbally and physically to my dearest mom. I resent him even until today. I don't remember him standing by me through my childhood years. He was present. But he didn't care. Even when mom severed the matrimonial ties, i don't recall missing him or crying out loud for him to pick me up and carry me around to pacify me.

He is one rotten father. He has never made restitutions for his mistakes and vile acts. Lucky mom escape unscathed. Her pure heart was not scarred. She remains unperturbed. Anyone caught in that situation would be mentally deranged. Or be psychologically disturbed. Moreover over somebody they love whole-heartedly to be the detrimental element in their lives. For that i truly admire mom.

Whenever mom tells me how father ill-treated her, she can paint a picture of the history coherently. But she cannot be so foolish to deceive me. I know deep down reminiscing the past would only open old wounds. I know she has indeed come a long way. She would bravely tell the stories of how she was kicked, punched, bruised and the works. And how she miscarried THREE times. All because the devil inflicted the damages on her.

During one of the events of miscarriage, the devil father, after finding out mom had lost my brother, simply said 'go to the hospital yourself'. And mom couldn't even give the 4-month old foetus a proper burial. It was taken away by the hospital for medical studies. The demon didn't want to claim it. He was that ruthless. Humans are born with compassion. He wasn't. Because he has the heart of an animal. I could have THREE other siblings. But sadly they don't have a name. Or faces that i can remember them by.

I guess this is the most intimate background of me that i have shared thus far in my blog. I just cannot understand why people can have the heart to physically hurt others. I don't have the heart myself to even slap someone on their face. It really does not serve any purpose to harm someone. Cruelty is a thing of medieval times. God Forbid.

I just want my father to know that whatever he has done to the family has only made us stronger. It always takes a life-lesson or an experience to render someone that faith, bravery and strength to carry on with their lives. It is also the awakening moment when we discover how strong we can be at the face of adversaries. I have grown to be an educated, cultured and refined young man. I have a good education, a proper upbringing after your departure and i have worked my way to be where i am today. Be proud of me. Because your evil deeds becomes my grace. Your loss is my gain. Your weakness is my strength.

I hope God forgives him. Because i won't.

Anyways...

The mathematics lecture that had passed a few hours ago left me in a daze. Semblances of daunting math lessons from your secondary school days were furiously infringing my brain. I hardly have the time to elope. The ill-warning affair came as a great shock and i am having a more taxing and uphill task of catching up than everyone else.

You see, mathematics was never my forte. I can be an elite in fields of languages but figures and digits does not seem to register well in my head. I am a self-professed dimwit. In summary, i hated maths. But looking at my classmates' earnestness and determination to grasp the subject compels me to eradicate the foreboding attitude. I am now ready to address the one subject that i have eschewed for far too long and this time i will not be nonchalant. It is crucial for me to jump on the bandwagon now because a maths subject is pivotal and essential for me to eventually be awarded my poly's diploma.

I hate to see myself crumbling like blocks. So let's wish me a clear path to trundle on. I hope i can master the methods and formulas and declaring it a jubilee on the war they call maths. Lecturer Fazilah mentioned that with practice and perseverance will yield results.

The other half came down with fever today. It was a bit unnerving to hear the whines of a stiff neck, a sore throat, hip-aches and the works that comes with a 'fever' package. I care for these things. I cannot bring you to the doctor's because the pocket is pretty much empty. It sucks i know. I hope you recover soon because it is unsettling for me to bear this. I hope you don't over-exert yourself with a gazillion appointments. You have been away from my radar a bit too often. Please don't leave the house more than you reside in it. And don't skip your meals, yeah?

I hope i have quelled your sickness' misery just now and i want you to stay in tomorrow for a recuperating hibernation. And no, don't ever say you have caused me inconveniences. I have not looked at things that way. It is my duty to look out for you, take care of you and watch over you. I have a responsibility. Don't remix it with liability, babe.

PS: The ultimate date is underway. Wee... I LOVE YOU. :p

Full Circle

I have been cumulating news-worthy mentions throughout the week to embellish my blog post. Somehow, nothing major worth sharing happened. Thus, pardon me for the mundane posting today. I will try at my best to categorize this as subliminal.

I am adamant to eke a proper living by snagging a good job in the near future. I think life would turn around for the better if i have that career that i've always dreamed of. Honest to goodness, i am not entirely ambitious. I don't have the slightest clue what i want to be. Perhaps a poll will leverage this?

1) I have toyed with the idea of being a teacher. Because i know i have the deftness to instil knowledge in others. In other sense, i am able to make people stand up and listen to what i have to say. Being vocal helps too. If you can articulate your words, infiltrate the minds of others and evoke a response.

2) At times, i contemplate on pursuing my dreams of being an artiste. I love singing. I would like to think i am talented but looking at things turning out at the auditions of some of the talent competitions i partake in, i am still hanging on luck that i will make it among a pool of other wannabes someday. After all, the entertainment industry is meticulous and shrewd. Because not just anybody can have the opportunity to be famous.

3) I have this hope of being an arts artist as well. I draw on a regular basis. I can sketch anything from Marvel, Capcom, Mortal Kombat, Disney to some random cartoon characters in under TWO minutes. Highly-skilled i tell you. And this i am not bragging. Just to let you in a bit more, i have conjured my very own comic, WONDER WARRIORS. It's a fighting-based comic with a whopping over 150 characters. Hope to get it to print and i reckon it'll be awesome to be able to publish it worldwide.

4) I harbour a small interest in fashion designing as well. But i don't think there is a thriving business for male designers. You will have to be either gay and flamboyant or get stereotyped as one. I don't like the territory that comes with term. However i think it will be fabolous to design your own clothes, have others wearing it and make an insane annual revenue out of it. I think streetwear is the one area i will delve into. Very street, man!

5) I have a good sense of rhythm. I can be fluid in body movements. I have this penchant for solid hip-hop club-banging tracks that makes me want to gyrate automatically. Haha. I am talking about dance choreography. I am a good street dancer. Sometimes i feel i am a black man when i dance. I have always dreamed about being a dance choreographer and execute killer moves for the audience to see. Nowadays, i dance on a freelance basis. I know being a dancer is not a viable career option in Singapore. Unless i go about establishing my own dance academy which will prolly not take off because of the small market. But i do hope it'll materialize one fine day because i am passionate about music, dance and performance.

6) I like to be a lifeguard for the very reason of skin whoring. But i bemoan on the fact that my swimming sucks. Hey, at least i get to walk around topless and half nude. I want to acquire that bronzed and tanned bod. Like some Japanese surfer. AWESOME! And i get to waddle in the aromatic, chlorine-fragranced pool. Enuff said.

7) I totally dig the idea of owning my own modelling agency. I have an eye for gorgeous people and i can easily spot a diamond in the rough. I sometimes wonder why some people are truly blessed aesthetically but never got around getting discovered and get the recognition they deserved. Beautiful people are aplenty everywhere i turn to. The mall, gym, swimming pool, town, the neighbourhood, schools and even friends. But sadly, it is not channelled properly. With hopes of setting up the agency, i can groom the 'undiscovered' that i had talent-spotted. Move over, Fly Entertainment.

8) I WANT to join Survivor badly. This is something i would love to do and i would leave everything behind in a heartbeat to get marooned in some remote island, bitching and battling it out with others. Survivor truly mirrors life. The mental and physical tests will bear testament to how far one has come in life. Yeah, FULL CIRCLE is the choice word. Read my previous posts on why i am enthusiastic. Repetition material is no good. Tsk.

9) The most un-surprising aspiration here is my hopes to become a flight steward. The selection process is tough and the most genuinely fake and people who are plastic almost always makes the cut. What Singapore Girl with the fresh, personable and friendly disposition are you talking about? I have friends who are their own selfish and bratty true faint colours once they are back from the reality of earth's ground but transforms into somebody graceful and classy when they are transported amidst the fantasy, la-la cotton clouds of the skies. I may be sharp, decisive and vocal about things but when i am tasked to get a job done, it'll be made professionally. I am prejudiced because i could have been the potential up there. But i cannot pursue this one dream of mine because i cannot be forced to keep smiling when i don't want to and i don't wish to be a waiter, serving after rude, ill-mannered elite businessy passengers right down to the uncouth, uncivilised yet demanding low-class passengers. I would jump down the plane with the emergency parachute if i have to face such bigots. Period.

10) To be able to serve in any of the government agencies. This would make better sense. I figure being a government officer will offer greater job satisfaction. Because the system, structures and hierachy is fixed. There could be room for advancement and the prospect is highly coveted. It is a stable sector. I am not sounding contradictory as i have left the SPF last year, but being a civil servant offers a truly rewarding career. My goal now is to find my niche in any government's job and i will not stop short of my resolution to snag one.

My parting two-cents worth is 'why do we always end up in jobs that we don't desire to be in?'

What we want is always what we don't need. Think.

-I LOVE my other half, H. I love my family and friends. I love my country. Peace.-

Songs Of The Heart

Brandy - True

In your arms I feel right at home
That's the feeling I ain't felt before
If you're feeling the same way then let me know
Cause there's nothing worse than being in love alone

Is it true that I'm not the only one?
Is it true that you're just having fun with my heart?
I need an answer
Is it true Is it true

You're my Angel that was sent to earth
In your eyes I see my future
I can't be without you so it's got to work
Goodbyes not an option so don't say the word

Is it true that I'm not the only one?
Is it true that you're just having fun with my heart?
I need an answer
Is it true Is it true

I've never been a victim of love before
So I’m not sure what I should be looking for
But I know the signs are in my face
Hope it's not too late to change
Your mind and make you wanna stay

Is it true that I'm not the only one?
Is it true that you're just having fun with my heart?
I need an answer
Is it true Is it true

Is it true that I'm not the only one?
Is it true that you're just having fun with my heart?
I need an answer
Is it true Is it true

If you just can't tell me the truth
it wasn't real when you said I love you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This song reflects the emotions i am harbouring right now.

'It's the journey, not the destination that counts'.

Just when i thought we have fixed the engine and ready to hit the road once again, something malfunctioned.

I got out of the car and inspected all areas for signs of something amiss. I really could not find where the fault lies. I can't fix it if it is not broken.

Perhaps we are the ones who don't want to drive the vehicle anymore. And we have given up traveling to the destination we have planned.

You are unsure yourself. And you don't wish to get lost. And the worst is you don't trust me behind the wheels.

We can safely turn back, infinitely halt the mission and end this pursuit. But we choose to remain in the car. Because we are anticipating what the other side of the road may hold for us.

I don't like to go on this ride on my own and i don't think i can survive the treacherous path without somebody next to me.

I still have you on the passenger seat next to me, but you kept tugging and pulling me back because you don't think i am trustworthy enough.

Now, i just want you to sit back and enjoy the sights while i drive. We work this out calmly. Let's not be hasty. The journey can be fulfilling than the destination. I promise you.

You can alight along the way. Whenever you feel you are not up for it. I won't persuade you to join me. However, i truly understand i will get lonely and the solitary will murder me softly.

And hearing beautiful heartbreaking songs in the car by myself, familiar songs that both of us can relate to will only bring endless tears to my eyes.

The seat will always be empty until you comeback to me.

I wanna hug you tight this very moment but i just can't...'cos it will be only temporary...we will revisit the pain in no time...

Wants & Needs

The first week of May has been a bumpy ride. Things happened. I will let you savour only the good things. Because i don't wish to brood on desolated issues. Here is the lowdown. Proceed.

I had received a call yesterday. From a CAAS officer. She invited me for an interview for the position of Airport Emergency Officer. To clue you in, the post is similar to a SCDF firefighter's job. Mission and rescue work in the event should there be calamities in the airport eg, plane crash, accidents. I did not really expect a reply and i knew my application will have to contend with the many other applicants who had served in SCDF for their National Service. To get shorlisted among how many hundreds in this economic downturn is truly a remarkable feat.

Things happen for a reason. And opportunity has knocked on my door. Perhaps this is the calling? Who knows. And yes, i find rescue work exhilirating. The trainings are similar to SCDF, it is a government's job and i get to keep fit. What more can i ask for? I hope the interview on tuesday will be a day of reckoning and it'll be an awesome present for me should i get selected. My life's route to things haven't been mainstream. I serve my National Service in the army, i've worked with the police force for four years, and now an SCDF kinda job lands on my lap. I think i am destined to work with the Uniformed Organisations. It's written on my fate. Not expecting much and we will see how i fare on tuesday.

I am making a gradual transition in Temasek Polytechnic. I have not exactly exchanged contacts with my classmates and i barely spoke more than a sentence to them. I guess the first few weeks of school will definitely offer that kind of awkwardness. It is a normal process. I hope i can strike conversations and relate well with them soon. Lectures are not too rosy and it will get crazier as the week comes. Anyway, i have not left MDIS on the shelf. I am a module and a Graduation Project away from graduation. It won't get heavygoing i can assure you. I am coping well. I am hanging by faith, leaning on hope and living on prayers.

Naysayers are saying i am insane taking up two diplomas but really, this is understanding your needs and wants. I NEED a tertiary education as the qualifications are recognized. The police studies is for my career. I WANT a diploma from MDIS because it is the school to go to for a reputable Mass Comm Diploma. Think SIA which is affiliated with its Mass Comm programme. It is solely for the reason of my affinity with Journalism, which i think is my forte. I can branch into fields of marketing, public relations, advertising and whatnot should i pursue the media industry. Catch my ball?

My Temasek Polytechnic's Matriculation Card

I woke up flabbergasted. The bastard has finally been apprehended. This was extraordinarily unexpected. I am talking about the elusive fugitive, MSK, of course. Wait. The mind boggling issue here is how on earth did he find his way to Malaysia? We are not talking about a recalcitrant convicted murderer crossing the Mexican Borders in the States, without getting caught. That we can understand on the lax of the security control there. The head-scratcher here is how did he get out of Singapore? Swimming across the seas to Johore with a limp limb? What the bloody hell is our Coastal Guards and Immigration personnels doing? Exchanging the latest Leona Lewis hit ringtones via bluetooth over the checkpoint's booth? Suntanning at the outskirts of Singapore shores? Fishing for Shamu in their patrol boats?

I have trawled a few newsworthy sites and people handed down positive comments like 'good job, Singapore. The persistence has paid off'. Before you go out and make a dinner reservation at Crystal Jade's restaurant to celebrate his sophomore captivity, let me register this in your stupid dysfunctional brains. Admit it. Our security forces, the police and members of the public has long ended the lookout. The first few months of the search party was so intense that even the military was delegated to erect tentages and guard entrances and exits of solitary places, namely the cemetaries. The Gurkhas and the Special Operation Command officers too was tasked to enter the most-densed forestations here. Then the novelty died. People go back to their daily lives and Singapore turn its attention to the F1, the IRs, the Singapore Idol audition...

Come on, it took the Malaysians to step up their game and nab the fcuker. Why are we patting ourselves for a job well done? Why are we taking the credit when it's clearly the nonchalance and complacency of our 'Government officers'? Well, i hope whoever(the Government, Crime Library, businessmen, rich kaypoh individuals who tries to be a superhero and generously donates money to anyone who finds him) promises a bounty of millions of dollars for MSK's head better start remitting money to the Malaysian people. The ride has ended. This is no fun. What next? It'll take the eskimos to locate Osama Bin Laden? For now, playing Where's Wally? sounds more fun to me. Gee...

The Vanson Jacket

Oh, this caught my eye when i caught X-Men Origins - Wolverine. The super-dope leather jacket that Hugh Jackman wore in the movie. I LIKE!

And not departing without words for my H... I LOVE YOU. I hope you are able to forgive the simplest and complexity of mistakes and with you, i understand the words - Tolerance, Patience, Trust, Devotion & Respect. You have shaped my perspective on relationships and love. Thank You for loving me unconditionally. I hope we will be more motivated to flourish and nurture the love within. I am unafraid to face the fight because i am going on a battle with you. I need your strength to do this. Please.