This could jolly well be the perfect opportunity for me to contribute the going-ons in my life, albeit in a nutshell. Well, the first half of 2011 has been one frenzy ride. It's been nothing but impetus at best, disallowing me the chance to engross myself on the moving and still landscape around me. Life moves forward at an unprecedented velocity.
I have just got out of a fairytale-land type of relationship. Something that I thought to be one almost perfect coupling, in the end became exactly what it is, a beautiful dream being demented and broken by the glaring gleam of morning sunrise.
I am compelled to contribute the woebegones of my failed relatonship. But somehow, there is only so much words can express - nothing brings back the past like what it used to be. I want to use my blog as a platform to communicate the pent up emotions pertinent to my partner, and having the unimpeded prerogative to be vocal towards whatever that has transpired or what my partner has done to our relationship.
The relationship may have lasted all of THREE months, but we have utilised these pivotal months to fully comprehend the characteristics and imperfections of one another. I moved in with the partner - whom I shall label, Aw, expeditiously days into our relationship. It was something like being caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. I took the plunge and practised blind faith because there was no doubt in my heart and mind, that Aw could just be that someone I could grow old and die with. It was like my life was coming full circle.
The number of days we were together wasn't really a valuable digit to begin with. It was more on the quality of the relationship that rendered me so much invaluable life & love lessons. You should really try to live with your partner and never leaving his/her side even for a day to understand me. There are always new things to discover about each other. There were the struggles that we faced, happiness we'd shared, storms that we went through - in retrospect, the beautiful and ugly faces of being involved in a relationship.
Aw is really a wonderful soul. I grew quickly in the span of three months than i prolly ever will in a year. I was taught the very real situation of being independent, learning to be self-sufficient, understanding another human being at a close proximity, experiencing the 'married' life, how to be selfless and to think for two, and that whatever course of action I may take, I have to remember I have a partner to think of, provide, and live for. I am truly glad for this encounter. But God thinks it's enough experience for me to assimilate into my life, hence Him pulling me out of this altogether.
The only discontent and question that will prolonged its residency in my mind will be how people can change at a drop of a hat. Aw had professed so much love for me, the vows of being together forever and the promise of a fruitful relationship. What do you make of these play on words which does not mean anything when couples break up? Where were the golden whispers and emotions deluge for the one they used to love? Does that mean it was just words of the moment, that has no valid content now that we've seperated?
Aw may have left me, but that does not mean I have to cease loving him too. Because I stand my ground and I am king of my words. My promise still stands pre or post relationship. I am only baffled at how people can change and still have the temerity to begin to hate someone he used to worship, when they were very much in love back then.
Honestly, there is only so much pleading I can do. I've tried to knock Aw back into reality and understand the magnitude of his decision. He claimed this is to seek happiness in the breakup. Our arguements intensified one month into the relaionship. I keep getting the brunt of his ire. I swallowed my pride and present him the liberty to launch tirades on me. I honestly don't know why he flips every time. I was told by my close friends that sometimes, when someone nags at you, that's because he wants you to change and to grow & learn from your mistakes. But I have this nagging suspicion that this could not be the case. Aw was just getting sick of me. Hence whatever things I do became an issue, and that to him warrants a steely reprimand.
I knew Aw had the reputation of being a perfectionist. I lament on his stubborness, defiance and a heavy dosage of ego - one that is never humble to say sorry, even when wrong. In a way of resolving things quickly before it escalates into a giant fireball, it was I who swallowed my pride and apologised even when I did not start the whole spectacle. It is pitiful when your partner cannot co-exist with your imperfections. There is no such thing as a perfect human being, 'cos beings like that exists only in heaven. I have really tried my utmost to adapt to his lifestyle, needs and wants. I had to neglect friends, family and my own life that I used to lead, just to be attuned to his ways. If i am able to sacrifice myself, I don't see why Aw could not accept me the way I am. Sure I have my idiosyncrasies. Habits that never dies and rituals that i probably could not change. Truly unfortunate Aw cannot be in harmony of my own brand of living.
Aw could be wasting his lifetime searching for that perfect being, which probably will never exist, one that even Prophets, are NOT.
It is a no-brainer. When someone loves you, imperfections are perfect in his eyes and he is willing to live side by side with them. Plus, he will never want to let you go, even after arguing with you consistently. We broke up cos Aw thinks it is stressful to be arguing everytime and that it is detrimental to his life. I can only add that it is ludicrous to even be thinking such. Married couples quarrel most of the time. Does that mean most marriages will breakup regularly just because couples cannot take the arguements with a pinch of salt? Wouldn't there be an influx of divorce rates if people were to behave that way?
Are arguements not a positive entity in any relationships? That's when lovers understand each other better, respective likes and dislikes, habits and behaviours, and a slew of defining moments. Someone chipped in with this morsel of advice - 'If there is no arguements in a relationship, then there is really something wrong with it. How are couples going to know what the other is feeling when everything is all impeccable?'. How truth bites.
I am only mourning on the sweetest moments shared between Aw and myself - one that we will prolly never get to experience again. Things have changed. He wants to move on and obliterate me from the shelves of his memory. I don't have the will to move him anymore. Or jolt him from his incongrous decision, which causes more damage than good. I have begged to be asked to taken back. I've talked insurmountable senses into him. Somehow, I stopped and calmly impart some advice to myself. Would you want a love based on conditional terms? Even if he does accept me back, it will be because of the one chance that if I ever screw up again, he has the rights to take it back. Do I want to be perpetually living in trepidation of walking on eggshells? Maybe a minefield best describes it. One wrong move and a wipeout beckons.
I am no longer miserable or bemoaning the tragedy of this fatal relationship. I will not claim responsibility for the breakup. It is not me. I have been faithful, loyal, kind, endearing, caring and deserving throughout the course of our union. It is him who has to stand trial. He needs to be counselled that he cannot keep breaking up with people just because they cannot be perfect in his eyes. If people do and try to change completely as told, then they would be hypocrites themselves, 'cos then they will be something and somebody they are not, just to fulfill the unreasonable expectations of their partners. I would hate to change just because someone wants me to.
I don't bear grudges against Aw, neither will I resent him. Afterall, he is claiming that he is susceptible to stress. Stress that will affect his life greatly if taken immensely of it. Stress which can render him irrational and exercise certain degree of repulsion to his partner, whom he thought to be the cause of it. Stress that he attributes to his age. Anger does not come with age my dear, it comes with the lack of control and perennial discontent with what life doesn't provide you with. You just need to be counting your blessings and be grateful to what's presented before you.
Somehow, I will be an ardent believer of this quote: -
''When God takes away something good, that's because He wants you to receive something better.''
Take care of yourself, Dear Aw. If fate has scribed that we are meant to be together, we will end up together at the end of the day.
