The Flame Has Died

''It's one thing to lose a lover, another to lose a friend. But it's worst to lose both...'' - A quote from you

Your words shun me to a distance. I resisted and i kept running back like a lost puppy. I cast aside my pride and dignity, ate copious load of humble pies and allowed myself to be blamed.
Why? Because i love you very much. I was still in your life right until today, as you do not have the means and will to treasure and cherish me like you were supposed to. I have tried everything to revive the relationship.

I have gone to great lengths to make it up to you. I did things beyond my normal practices and allowed my principles to be compromised in order to align myself with your ways. I have tried everything to salvage us.

Why am i being hurt when i have been the perfect gentleman for you? Where have i gone wrong? You claimed you still love me. But who loves someone yet ask for a breakup? Common sense tells you that if you love your partner, no matter what you still would want to be with him. You don't love somebody but wants him out of your life.

In a perfect world, it usually takes a single sacrifice from a lover to jolt his lover of his sincerity, love and faithfulness. In my circumstance, i have given up everything i own just to let you have your way. But there is nothing that you find extraordinary about it. You don't believe how committed i was to you.

I have tried to move from being lover to friends. I can't. Because i will still harbour feelings for you. It's hard to be impassive about it. The reason i have ceased my existance in your life is that i understand you don't want me to be clingy and continue to see you as a lover, one which i am unable to do.

And so i will be the one to walk away from it all. Again, another one of my sacrifice, in order to save the both of us. I hope you will forever remember me as the boyfriend who will move the world for you.

I have no regrets. I am not going to look back being bitter about the broken unity. I am never going to say i have wasted my investments. Because i want to remember the beautiful memories most.

Thank you for coming into my life when i wasn't looking. I love you very much but what else can i do? I don't want to love and not be loved. You still see me as someone at your disposal. It hurts losing both a lover and a friend.

I hope you will carry on without me from here. I know you are able to. I made the painful decision to erase myself from your life as friend that you've requested us to be, but i've tasted the worst medicine in getting the breakup notice from you. I am saddened that you declined to celebrate my 26th Birthday. The irony is we became a couple on the eve of your birthday, but we broke up on the days before mine. It is also agonizing to know there will be no Hari Raya as a couple for us.

Food, places and things i do will be a constant reminder of you but let it be beautiful memories, we keep.

I hope you will take good care of yourself. Don't skip your meals and staying out till late. I may not get to spend a lifetime with you, but i will get by fine. I hope you will learn to treasure the next man in your life, else it'll be nothing but nursing heartbreaks when he is gone.

Let me drift back into my own world. The world i have left behind in exchange for the one i have created with you. I don't want you to miss me. You will not see me in the flesh. For my existance will only be in your imagination and this virtual space.

I am missing you badly but what else could i have done? Let fate decide if it wants to reunite us back. If destiny has it for us to reconcile, then we will end up in a lover's bliss sooner or later. However, it is time to bow out now and seek enlightenment and do an earnest soul-searching. Take care of yourself, my love.

I am writing on a new page. And so i have closed this chapter.

Goodbye.

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Claude Kelly - These Are The Signs

One month, four days and three hours since the time
that you left me sitting here wondering why.
Now I guess that some things happen for a reason
but I can’t see how this has a brighter side.
God knows I’ve been let down before,
but nothing like this, oh no.
Seems like all I have in store is pain, cause…

When nothing helps you to get through the night,
When you can’t eat, ain’t got no appetite,
When your friends try to come around,
but even they can’t make you smile.
These are the signs (these are the signs),
these are the signs (these are the signs),
these are the signs of a broken heart.

One month, four hours, three days since I found,
what you been really doing when you go out of town.
Finally, I see, that she,
must have been the woman you been with,
all the times you weren’t around.
God knows I’ve been let down before,
but never like this, oh no (Oh no).
Seems like all I have in store is pain, cause…

When nothing helps you to get through the night,
When you can’t eat, ain’t got no appetite,
When your friends try to come around,
but even they can’t make you smile.
These are the signs (these are the signs),
these are the signs (these are the signs),
these are the signs of a broken heart.

I hate to admit it, but it seems,
All the love symptoms I’ve found in me,
Like I cant eat, I can’t sleep,
and sometimes it’s hard to breathe.
Even a fool could tell my heart is broken in,
a million pieces.

When nothing helps you to get through the night,
When you can’t eat, ain’t got no appetite,
When your friends try to come around,
but even they can’t make you smile.
These are the signs (these are the signs),
these are the signs (these are the signs),
these are the sïgns of a broken heart.

Weaving Fabrics of Dreams

A short shoutouts to anything & anyone that matters:

- Happy 26th Birthday to me...I get to live another year of good health :)
- A heartfelt congratulations to my bestie, Noridzwan for his wonderful marriage (ICT killed my attendance. Sorry... :((()
- Congratulations to me in being promoted to a Corporal (NS) ...Thank you for the wonderful appraisals, Shahrul & Nathan :)
- Congratulations to me for completing my Diploma in Mass Communications
- Congratulations to me for topping the class for one of my TP's course subject
- A big Thank You to Chelsea & Izarnawi for standing by me through the storms of my life
- Elated in welcoming the resurrection of a bona fide diva's solo album in 8 years, Ms Whitney Houston
- Finally, have a blissful & blessed month of Ramadhan

God Bless.

And i will always be here waiting for you to come back to my arms.
I hope you like the gift from the heart.
I love you.

I Look To You

I pray you'll find the happiness you've been looking for. I hope you lead a meaningful and wonderful life.

I am sorry for hurting your feelings. I will take responsibility for my actions. Please forgive me.

This is an ending i wasn't expecting. But i will live with it. I will make it through the storm. I shall get by fine.

Take care of yourself.

I LOVE YOU, H.

Resentment Theory II

I Hate The Part When...Part TWO
1. People who reply to my sms with just the letter 'K', as in OK, when they are confirming or agreeing to something. Fcuking annoying. Why waste a few cents just to respond me with a single letter word?
2. The lift stops at every floor during its descend, on days when you are in a hurry. Even more worse when the lift door opens to find nobody entering.
3. Someone's 'chipmunk' version ringtone of a top 40 hit ringing in public places. It is so fcuking NOT CUTE. I repeat, it is FCUKING NOT CUTE.
4. Any songs by Akon, Rihanna, Lady Gaga, Chris Brown or Sean Kingston screams MAT & MINAH MELAYU to me. Overrated and overbearingly annoying.
5. Malay families who name their newborns Danish, Qistina, Mikhail, Danial, Akeelah, Amani...It is so year 2000. The makciks ain't got no creative juice flow. And there are a lot of Shafeekas running around Singapore. STOP IT SIAKKK!!!
6. We get an overdose of the unfunny Suhaimi Yusoff on every TV channel.
7. People who munch loudly on their popcorn, chips or crackers in the cinema. I really feel like setting fire on them in the dark.
8. Singtel Grid Girls 2009. Fake American twang + Bimbo + Below average looks = Plastic Stupid B**ch.
9. The equally attention-seeking plastic woman - Maia Lee - A former Singapore Idol contestant who sports tattoo and a resident columnist in Stomp.com.sg
10. People who drive Mazdas & Subarus - With a red plate, no less. Enough said.
11. Ugly boys wearing New Urban Males t-shirts. Don't make me get epileptic fits at the sight of your hideous MRT 'langgar' face and that shapeless body in that delicious and fabulous tee.
12. China National bus drivers. I say - Does this bus go to certain places? You reply - I don't speak english. What the fcuk is going on?! Pass me the steering wheel and let me drive myself there you moron.
13. Irrelevant, unnecessary and bullshit Facebook quizzes. I don't understand why some people can brag and boast on the quizzes' results shoutout box. Example - The results of your taken quiz says 'You are the most experienced in bed'. Then you would post something like 'Damn. I know i am good.' YEAH RIGHT, MOTHERFCUKERS.
14. Student designers helming the Miss Singapore Universe costume design to be represented at the world competition. The merlion-inspired gown still leaves me traumatized even after a year on. Anti-depressant pills on standby everytime. Give me what the doctor gave Michael Jackson. To end my misery once and for all. Or lend me your Prada pump shoes. To whack the fcuking bitch who designed THAT YEAR'S costume.
15. The holy trinity of the branded monk, CEO with the gold tap and the dis-illusioned woman who claimed of a forceful restraint by church exorcists. The word 'Swindler' is such a vogue term.
16. The incessant Mafia Wars, Pet Society, Farm Town invitation from friends on Facebook. Leave me alone, you dick. I have no time to send you a corn, cow or chicken.
17. My coins accidently spills to the floor. On a crowded place. How irritating is that?
18. Malaysian chinese girls who thinks naming themselves after pub hostess-inspired moniker is ultra cool. Think - Rainbow Chan, Fansy Chua, Destiny Goh, Cheer Ang, Elderweiss Lim, Diva Seow, Harmony Woon, Elvee Ng... Spare me the tacky names, girls. How about Fungus, Vagina, Sphyllis, Bacteria, Dragonfruit or Oxymoron for a suggestion?
19. Flyers, pamphlets and brochures still get shoved into my letterbox despite locking the mailbox's peephole. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I AM NOT SELLING MY FLAT YOU MONSTERS!
20. The Ridhuan Family restaurant in Changi Village. Poor & sloppy customer service + Rude owner + Late sending of food even when patrons are just a handful + Bland food = A FCUKING SHAME.
21. Cars on Hazard light are parked on a two lane road. I hope you people get crashed by some trailers someday.
22. Jack Neo's 'Where Got Ghost' film. Bloody waste of time and money. Does not even deserve a 0.0001 rating. Total flat humour. As in Seletar Airport's runway flat. A fcuking national disgrace.
23. People who don't shave turns me off. Guys with hairy nipples? Eurgh. Women with armpit hair? Double Eurgh. I seriously think the only hair women should keep IS ON THEIR HEADS.
24. Sometimes, you will come across a woman and her child entering the lift with you, or they happened to be next to you at some place. Somehow, in a show of uppity classy act, which is fcuking repulsively fake, the woman, usually Chinese or Malay, will suddenly morph into an angmoh and converse with her child in thick & crisp put on American accent. Eg, ''Boy, mommy wants you to say thank you whenever someone holds the lift's door'' or ''Mommy wants you to behave yourself'' or ''I want you to eat a proper lunch before mommy gets you that candy''. Bitch. I should have just kick you out from the back or whack you with my NTUC reusable grocery bag. Now that is what i call a twang, when the sound of that bag hits your Asian face, you moronic demon.
25. People who think they are more intelligent and better than me. I see no competition, bitch. Get out of my elite & uncaring face.

ELEVATION

I am back to civilian life. It has been an arduous and lengthy stay in camp for my reservist. I am literally languishing. I suffered a bout of rashes, oily skin, an uneven tan, colossal mosquito bites that does not seem to recede and it also took some heavy beating on my restitution.

But that's not the end of it folks. How can i forget the sleep deprivation, the incessant toiling and handling of heavy and bulky army equipments, the scorching sun, the uncomfortable perspire soaked socks, the overnight stay at the oufields of Lim Chu Kang and the rigid bunk's mattresses? However, i am not burdened. Neither am i anal about these nitty-gritty issues. It's part and parcel of military life. I wasn't signed up to retreat to a resort in the first place. My single grouse would be my technology detachment - the holy trinity of the internet, camera phone and television. Plus i need back my freedom thank you.

I enjoyed the TWO weeks nontheless. It keeps me updated and polished on military policies and standpoints. Familiarizing myself on the advancement of military equipments and technology, weaving memories all over again with fellow soldiers and most importantly, getting the job done with pleasing results. I may whine a great deal over the tormenting orders but my principle is - either i do a very good job or i don't do one at all.

Towards the end of my reservist, which was yesterday, i had received a glorious pre-birthday pressie. I was promoted to Corporal. This a great deal to me. It means my efforts and contributions are recognized and appreciated. Everyone knows it takes some wonderful appraisals to elevate a soldier's rank. And only the best few will actually be conferred with such rewards. I mean, the general population of NSMen will step down with the rank they are holding from their active days. I have some big shoes to fill and your best bet is i will fill it nicely. Now time to reach for one notch higher - a sergeant rank. :)

The other piece of good news is my good classmate Raidah, congratulated me for being the top student in the class for a certain semestral test paper. It felt good. It has always been my mission to ace any given test papers and i am glad my brain function is operationally ready and productive. I hope i can lend a helping hand to the few who requires my help in their languge skills because after all, most of my classmates have assisted me in one way or the other for my mathematics paper and assignments.

Well, from now until the dreaded month of october - the examinations, i will be engaged with revisions and studying. Because i want to graduate and i want to be at the finishing race and say, whatever dreams i have, i can reach for it. I have a job to do and things are looking up so far. I still can see through the rain.

Now, countdown to my birthday with me people.... :)

''The promise of a perennial happiness that you are able to shower me will be the ultimate birthday present.''