Strong Enough

Just a heartbreakingly beautiful song by Stacie Oricco - Strong Enough.

As I rest against this cold hard wall, will you pass me by?
Will you criticize me as I sit and cry?
I had fought so hard and thought that all my battles had been won
Only to find the war has just begun

Chorus:
Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out and start again?

Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again

Will my weakness for and hour or make me suffer for a lifetime?
Is there any way to be made whole again
If I'm healed, renewed and find forgiveness by the strength I've never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God's plans?

Chorus:
Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out and start again?

Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again

He took my life into His hands
And turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance,
is where I'm finally found

That You are strong enough
That You are pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
That You are brave enough
To take one chance on me,
Oh thank You for my chance to start again

It's ironic how some songs inadvertently becomes a reflection of your love & life's situation. This song came out of nowhere and i find meaning and warmth in its hauntingly beautiful melody and powerful lyrics. I am struggling to move ahead with the times and at the same time, trying to move on and getting my life back on track. I have been cradled in fantasies, daydreams and an alternate world where i thought it would be a perpetually blissful affair. God, was i wrong.

I am learning from falling. And i am finding my strength through failures and trying times. I don't wish to look back. I find truth in the adage of how is one able to succeed in moving on if he is unwilling to let go of the past.

As for my love relationships, i know closures are so hard to do and trying to make yourself obliterate the one you love from your mind is one big obstacle you have to overcome. There can be no room for anyone else if you don't ask the person to step away and negate his/her existance. If the spark has dissipated and the chemistry has no more formulas in salvaging the relationship, it would be better to let your other half go.

I need to adhere to the advice of if you truly love someone who in return does not reciprocate your love, then set them free from the golden cage and let them find their own happiness.
It would be wise to invest my time, love and attention to someone else who is much more deserving of my company.

I have also learned that sometimes, we cannot wait for fate and destiny to guide our lives and lead us to wherever it chooses to go. If we can make that change today ourselves, then seize the moment and shape our own future. Because sitting and waiting for things to happen is as good as praying for miracles to happen.

The sun will shine after the hurricane. Things will probably never be the same. The glory is not in winning everytime, but how many times we picked ourselves up from failing in trying to win. This song goes out to my heroes out there who are survivors in their own rights.

As for me, i am picking up the pieces and discovering the strengths in my weaknesses. I am still crying over the lost love but i will get better in time. I know can do this. I will overcome. I will finish the race. I am Strong Enough.

Wassalam.

(I have never blamed you for walking out on me. I have been selfish in keeping you here to satiate my own hunger for company and happiness. I have realized my mistake. I did not think of your freedom and liberty in deciding for your own rights. I sincerely apologize. I will always treasure the spectacular moments, the laughters and joys, the hardships both of us had to go through and the special times we shared. I wish you well for the future and may you find someone who would treat you better than i ever did. I will fade away before both of us know it. I have never wished for spoken gratitude and obligatory appreciation for my sacrifices thus far. Plus, you know i will go the distance and putting you first above all, and also in providing the best for you, just so you would keep that smile on your face. All i ever wanted in return was respect and kindness. However, I have no regrets falling in love with you. You appeared when i wasn't looking. It certainly has been an amazing experience. But let's make this decision for ourselves in parting ways. It hurts me so facing whatever challenges you put me through, but i will take the bullets like a real man. Deep in my heart i still care for you, but for the sake of establishing a new life and a new chapter, let's close this book of love and keep it away for remembrance. Every minute on this adventurous joyride has been worthwhile. Thank you for everything. Take care, H.)

Resentment Theory - Back For More

25 MORE Issues That Gets My Goat...Part III

I HATE THE PART WHEN...

1. People flashes their middle finger in photographs(you look fcuking uneducated)

2. Subaru/Mazda car owners often revved on the roads(especially on the roads where you have coffeeshops along it. i hope you crash and get burnt alive, fcuking pigs)

3. Sometimes, whenever we tried to order something we craved to eat at a food outlet(usually a prata shop), the indian server would say the food has run out or they don't sell it or they only serve it at a certain timing. Then don't hand me the menu, you poisonous toad.

4. Some lifts at the shopping malls are super slow in ascending or descending. Like, I don't have the whole of wednesday to wait for this, dammit. It is especially fcuking annoying when after you've waited so long to enter, crowds soon formed and when the lift opens, there are like the whole residents of Marsiling in it, thus cutting you out and making you wait all over again.

5. The patriach of the family in some melodramatic channel 8 dramas, suffers a heart attack when the family feud gets bitter or when he discovered something unsettling. I can almost tell you myself what happens after that. BITCH.

6. The petrol/convenience store cashiers will go - 'Sir, you want to buy another curry puff? Got promotion'. Or 'A GPS System or MP3/DVD player for you, sir?' Give me my bloody change and what makes you think i want to buy a DVD player to go with my petrol? Ask me again and i pump the petrol in your mouth and set you on fire. Irritating scumbags.

7. People who don't pick up my calls, then sms me seconds or minutes later and ask 'You called?' Like, er, no. I think some poltergeist possessed me and made me hit the digits on my cellphone to call you. YOU DICK. If i am going to die and tried reaching for you, will you sms me later and ask me if i called? Where is your sense of urgency? If it was something casual wouldn't i just sms?

8. The Pasir Ris' Singapore Post Office customer service staff treat its customer so shabbily that i thought i have owed them a few dollars, hence the grim, nasty and sullen look that they wear when they served customers. It's not my fcuking fault you DID NOT get it last night, lady. He's just not that into you.

9. China-made cellphones or products infiltrate our markets. *shakes head and lapses into a perennial coma*

10. If i have to hear Hady Mirza's song 'You Give Me Wings', sung by anyone again, i swear i will migrate to Cambodia. The song sounds like a bad national day song, with its tacky lyrics, worthy to be a school anthem for some girls' school in Bedok.

11. Ken Lim's 'Come slap me with your ALDO shoes on my face' look on Singapore Idol. Like, hello? You are judging and making comments to contestants to improve themselves. Don't get bitchy and get regimental like it is some Boot Camp. I would have signed on in the army if i want to hear sergeants on periods or PMS. I would have flung my mic at you if you say 'I'm kryptonite, you're superman'.

12. The over-rated and over-hyped Britain's Got Talent's Susan Boyle and the appearance of Suria's Anugerah winner Hyrul Anuar singing at EVERY Suria shows. Get the hell out of my TV screen. It may look like a day job to you, but seeing you whenever i turn on the TV, i can die from ear,nose and eye bleed.

13. Straight guy friends go 'eee...gay sia' and discriminate PLUs gender BUT, in reality, you see them picking up trannies in Changi for a quick fix. Like, trannies are men too, mothefcukas. Technically, it's men fcuking men. What gives???

14. People who pick their teeth during meals. It's so uncouth, ungracious and impolite. Where is your etiqutte and table manners, you dog?

15. You get stopped on your tracks at the MRT station every other day by some insurance and bank officers who tries to ask you buy insurance plans, savings policy with their organization and whatnot. You required THREE minutes of my time to hear you speak. But you don't want my TWO seconds for me to say NO THANKS to you. I curse your parents the next time you force me to buy policies from you. What makes you think i will want an insurance policy on a random day? How to part with a part of my life-savings on the spot? Same goes to you donation collectors for your heartbreaking stories of former convicts who needs support 'cos they can't get a job. My problem, issit?

16. The residents in my block are having some OTT spiritual congregation. As in you have to bear with the weekly LOUD gospel singing with its tuneless guitar strumming by some students who thinks my flat is the Rock Auditorium, to the banging of the gongs and drums of the malay dance troupe that makes a din every sunday. Please be considerate, la. The C.Cs are not built for ah-sohs who wants to be a Mississipi cowboy for their line-dancing practice, you know. And i am not even going to touch on the horrible woman with the more horrible voice who sings her weekly Ziana Zain karaoke songs. I seriously don't know if a pet dog is often heard being abused in her house or she is being possessed in broad daylight by the ghost of a heartbroken singing pontianak.

17. Changi Airport and its perpetual construction and refurbishment plans. It's like soon after one renovation is complete, another one gets underway. What more do you want? The best airport in the whole fcuking universe?

18. People who uses Top Up cards. I just don't get the concept of buy a card and scratch it for you to top-up your value. Can somebody tell me what the hell is that?

19. Women who sports curly-maggie hair. Wait, if that is not nasty enough, it has to be coloured red or blonde. Position for Getai performers application has closed la, sister. Try applying next august. Or the KTV in Geylang is hiring beer aunties. Very Horrigible, hor.

20. Companies or agencies employ frontline staff who cannot execute a proper usage of the english language. I was at CMPB a few months ago and the aunties, yes aunties, manning the counters were happily conversing to customers in 'market' singlish. I can almost visualize she had taugehs, pandan leaves and roasted ducks next to her counter wanting to 'lelong-ing' them.

21. Radio Ria's Misteri Jam 12. It is essentially a horror-themed segment whereby listeners call in and share stories of ghostly encounters, the supernatural and paranormal activities. It seems, every night, so many people would want to share their experience. To put it simply, it seems everyone is gifted to see the dead. What the fcuk. Truly an over-rated show. The only ghostly figures i am able to see my whole life is the makcik who lives on the tenth floor with the Anita Sarawak make-up and her equally flamboyant daughter. Imagine the scared shit moments when you bumped into them in the lifts. Very the Jigsaw you know, Saw's clown-masked killer. But Times TWO uh.

22. Ris Low. I mean, how can i not mention her? Only for the fact she has degraded the standard of MDIS students. I can't find Hospeetality block leh. Same goes to Pilar Arlando who said the Merlion became extinct in 1965. And please hor, Ris did not coined the word BOOMZ. 'Cos the malay trangender community has long used that word. It's called - 'Meletup, nyah.' Hahahahaha...

23. Friends who ask me to rate them how they look or yearning compliments from me when we go shopping. Sometimes, when they take a bloody long time trying on outfits, i would chip in and say ''that is so gorgeous, it so fits you to a T, i would buy it myself if i have that kind of money.'' In reality, i want to say hurry up and get the fcuk out of the store, you cunt. You look like Free Willy being washed ashore and i also seriously think you look like an road accident victim. So kesian. :p

24. MRT stations with absurd names - Joo Koon. Ha. Jelapang. Haha. Kangkar. Hahaha... What's next? Next stop - Keparat?

25. Duane Ho wins Singapore Idol. Then all Singaporeans should migrate to Planet Jupiter. I am starting to pack my underwears liao. Waaa...

Essentially Essen

Bag Raid...Reprise

I love airing my dirty lil' secrets. Well, it's time to reveal the many interesting stuff that i tote in my bag and give you a peek at my fashion sense & sensibilities, needs & wants, must-haves, things in my possession and the essentials an alpha urban male like me gotta own.

1. New Urban Male Bag - I bought this bag more than a couple of years ago at a hefty price tag. This kind of bag looks good on me and i love it for the fact that it is roomy inside for me to dump everything ranging from army boots, uniforms, textbooks and bulky stuff to the myriad of things you see in the picture here. I also dig its purple hue and the distinct NUM logo. I am a metro-man, dude...

2. Diary & WD Hard Drive - This cheap, run-of-the-mill diary bears passwords and some other important details that i guard fiercely with my life. Of course i don't lug it in public or put it in my bag. I'll be courting danger. It stays under lock and key in the closet's drawer. I bought the WD Hard Drive from Challenger, I.T superstore. I have resolute and was adamant to get this when my previous desktop, an apple Imac, crashed beyond repair. I couldn't even bade goodbye and salvage the thousands of music files, personal photos and 'discreet' videos. It is immensely heartbreaking to lose all your files. Hence this nifty life-saver. Lesson learnt and i have since stored my documents and files here. AS PRECAUTIONARY MEASURES.

3. ProjectShop Blood Brothers Pouch - I store a couple of Singapore Police Force badges that i bought and gotten, when i served in the organization(but has since resigned), a pocket mirror, a Manchester United keytorch, bangles, perfume atomizer, a coin pouch and some other junks. But the one precious item here would be my limited edition Thierry Mugler's A*Men refillable perfume collectible (pictured, with a star logo). I also like how stylishly compact it is and the silver colour and shape often gets mistaken for a lighter. The scent is amazingly sexy and if there is a perfume that speaks who i am, it'll be the scent of A*Men.

4. Samsung 4GB Touch Screen Slide Speaker Mp3 Player - This follows me on long train rides, sporting activities like running and workouts at the gym. Plus, it's cool how you just simply have to slide the top to have your music emanate and fill the room. Fabulous for sharing sessions with friends and i currently have about 700+ tracks in the device.

5. Mont Blanc Wallet - I prefer to keep it to myself how i got this great wallet but as we all know, i have the usual suspects in here - student cards, ATM cards, identification cards, driver's licence and yeah, notes too... :)

6. Nokia E71 & Samsung Omnia 2 Mobile Phones - My elder brother sold me his almost immaculate E71 and up till today, i steal glances at this super sexy phone. This phone is very man, dude. I like the silver metallic (or platinum if i may put it) finish and how it gets away by looking like a Blackberry. And everyone knows how awesome a Samsung Omnia is. 'Enuff said. Ouh, don't ask me why i own TWO phones...

7. Yogi Bear Pouch - Like i have mentioned in the previous Bag Raid, i got this cool pouch for a steal at 4 bucks in Beach Road. I have my ointments, eye-drops, inhalers and aspirins stored in here. It used to hold rings but i figure it'll be better to act as a medication kit.

8. Sony Playstation Portable - I sold my wonderful turquoise PSP a few months back to commit a good deed and all i have here is its case and its 4GB memory stick in it. No worries, i can always buy a better advanced ones in the near future. I have no time on my hands to play a Tekken anyway...

9. Ricola's Limited-Edition Pastilles' Compact Tin - I believe this is still selling at some convenience stores. I find its American 60's era nostalgic imprints appealling and hey, it is a limited edition product. One can always store something else when the mints runs out. Like...condoms?

10. Car Key/House Keys - This is the key to my ride, a TWO-year old Suzuki Swift. Despite having a gorgeous Levi's pouch, i have dropped my car key a thousand times. It bears some scratches on it and i am still amazed how the keyless ignition sensor still works after some serious hard knocks and falls.

11. Fossil Diary, Notepads, Card Holders & Telephone Book - These are some of the basics that i have to have in my bag. I write lyrics and notes in the diary, store business contacts in my name card holder and for logical reason - have a phonebook that has my contacts as a back up. Just in case the phone gets crazy and decides to obliterate my relations with people.

12. Books - I spend a good portion of my time reading amazing books. Current favourites are the ones you see in the photo. I bought those from Times Newslink Changi Airport last year. It is only now that i started reading them.

13. Everlast Watch - I received this watch for my 25th birthday last year. I think silver-plated watches are appropriate for events of different themes. One can use it on a casual day out, a formal/dinner function...

14. Gucci Spectacles - I love this glasses. It's green and has gold details. Mom got it for me last year at the price tag of $375. I haven't found the opportunity to parade this because i am still using my DKNY & Emporio Armani ones (also pictured). Branded freak i know but the feeling of being 'atas' renders me the cheap thrill. Haha...

15. Pencil Case - I have crazy amount of pens in my collections and i have no idea why i keep buying stationeries and keeping them. I think this dysfunction attributes to the fact that i write daily and am also using a great deal of these for school.

16. Umbro Water Bottle - I don't quite like this as it takes a damn huge space in my bag. I think this will be more apt for a sports day out as it is able to contain more water to keep amateur athletes like me hydrated. I need to buy those portable looking Nike water bottles soon. Long as it fits in my bag. Wee...

17. Hairspray & Hair Wax - I have to carry these everywhere i go. I have this infatuation with hair products. As they say, the hair makes the man. Or something like that. And i also read somewhere that your hair will inform people of the kind of personality you have. That's why i take great length of care for my mane. If i don't have a good hair, i am not leaving the house. I swear by GoodLook's hairspray and Gatsby's hair wax (lovin' the gorgeous smell). Nothing expensive here but it works for me. :)

So, have you figured why i am leading a complex life?

Soup For The Soul

My energy has ebbed away, forging its way into the blindness of the onyx night. If I had to be coerced into writing short stories of my erratic soul, my words will not reek kindness. I will be festered into launching a tempestous tirade and inflict an indelible wound on your heart.

This best sums up what i am feeling at the moment. I am done writing love theories and stories. Love has been nothing but a gargantuan and neurotic mechanics for me to understand. It is best to walk away from the mania of love if one can't handle the baggage that comes with it.

Well, life begins from now. I feel emancipated. For most of the part, i have been intent in my studies and wading through examinations. I am taking a hiatus from school - the new term begins sometime in April 2010. While the heavy load has been lifted off my shoulders, i am fearful that i cannot scrape through. One of the paper that i took sent me plummeting to a concaved abyss.

The primary consolation is i have done my utmost best, and what is done cannot be undone. I fervently believe in the karmic phrase of 'Things happen for a reason' anyway. Whether i pass or fail no longer falls along the perimeter of my jurisdiction. I can only pray for the planets alignment to be in favour of me. God will help the weak.

I am going to look for jobs from this week on. But at the same time, i am going to seriously unwind and take a much-needed breather. Failed relationships, gruelling examinations and personal finances can be disconcerting. I have been extravagant recently, and despite getting for myself things that i prolly don't need, money can only do so much to buy me happiness. Sure, i have a dream list of things that i have fulfilled, but at the end of the day, i realised these things offer a fleeting gratification. Since i now know i am averse to material things, then my idea of happiness has to comprise of the company of family, friends and loved ones.

The littlest things of having my partner or loved ones in the car and singing in unison our favourite songs, driving to the beach and famous supper joints, taking photographs for keepsakes, having laughters in wild abandon are some of the things i enjoy. I am a simple fellow - one who does not ask the sky from anyone. I just expect an incorporation of graciousness, civility, respect, loyalty, understanding and trust. If that is so hard to do, i urge you to walk out of my life.

Anyways, on a lighter side, the new season of First Class is truly a class act. I have always enjoyed sitcoms or dramas that centered on school environment. The show left me in stitches and i especially find the line uttered by an effeminate indian cast 'That's so racist!' funny. How exhilirating to have teachers with a motley crew of odd personalities (Julian Low is one cute dude!).

And the glory of 'Growing Up' has returned on daytime TV. This is one of the best shows Mediacorp has ever produced. I love it when such shows emote such nostalgic memories and watching Growing Up feels almost magical. Like we grew up with the Tay family you know?

Have a good wednesday. Because i will. :)))

Look out for future posts - My singing videos, The Malay Hunks Edition, My Top 12 Besties, Favourite Things Part 2, Resentment Theory Part 3 and a whole lotta fresh feeds... :)